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Published: Thursday 26 September, 2013

clothes shops in clothes shops in Edward Snowden Is Staying in My Apartment and Hes a Big Jerk

About a month ago, theres a knock at my door and its some guy named Edward Snowden, who says he needs a place to stay. He seemed all right, so I said, Sure. Guess what? Hes a jerk! The minute the guy moves in, he immediately helps himself to my food without paying, never flushes the toilet and has, like, five laptops going constantly and makes phone calls all night long.

A few days later, Im watching the news and who do you think is on every show? Thats rightEdward. I ask him if all the things theyre saying about him are true and he starts crying like a little girl: Everyones after me! Everyone hates me! Please dont throw me out! Im good! Im good! Waaaah! I said, Okay, okay, you can st clothes shops in ay a little longer. Just quit whining!

One night, I get home from work and theres a party in my living room. There must be fifty people drinking and dancing and in the middle of it all, Edward and Julian Assange are snorting coke off hookers stomachs. I order everyone to go home but Julian and Edward turn on the waterworks. We just want to help the world! No one understands us! Waaaah! Fine. I go to my room and put in earplugs while some Chinese acrobats arrived.

A few days later, I wake up to find Vladimir Putin with Edward and Julian and they seem to be injecting Fidel Cast clothes shops in ro with embalming fluid. Thats the last straw! I yell. Just then, a knock at my door. I open it and theres John Kerry. He says, If youre hiding Edward Snowden in there, you really should tell me because if you dont, Ill be kinda mad.

I turn around and Vladimir, Edward and Julian look at me with the biggest, saddest kitty eyes ever. Vladimirs kitty eyes were the biggest and saddest. I say to Kerry, I dont know what youre talking about. And Kerry says, Okay, then leaves, sc clothes shops in ratching his head. Vladimir, Edward and Julian say how grateful they are, blah blah blah, and then Vladimir and Julian start speaking to each other in Russian. They giggle and I just knew they were talking about me! clothes shops in